Extreme Ways

Like Jim Carey in the Truman Show, I live in a sort of solipsistic constructed reality. But in my version I can sail right over the edge of the horizon without banging my head on the sky because not everything is a stupid show put on just for me. Three things that are made just for me, though, are The Bourne films. They are so brilliant, so perfectly tuned into my every fantasy that my childish ego-brain finds it genuinely impossible to imagine a world in which other people could enjoy them as much as I do. However! Go and see the new Bourne film. You might enjoy it almost as much as I did.


[emailz]

"Yeah, had an ok weekend. Went on a "date" to the "o2 Dome" (some say the
Minnellium Dome) on Saturday. There's a fake beach in there
and lots of bad chain restaurants with people queueing - honest to goodness
queueing - to get in.

Where are you taking her next time, the Trocadero? Brent Cross,
perhaps?

Yup, Trocadero followed by a meal and an Aberdeen Steak House next time;
Madame Tussaudes, the Planetarium and a romantic trip on the Duck Bus." [Stefan]



"I'm off to Bristol this evening so I'll have to put up with 'Banksies' on every street corner. If I can get drunk enough I'll try to chip one off a wall." [Tim]



"I am looking forward to seeing the Bourne Ultimatum. I bloody love thrillers I do, though in truth I mildly prefer English ones that rely on something quiet happening to bespectacled men during WW2, the cold war or Suez, over American ones always involve the CIA doing something loud because of Vietnam.

I did refer to the Isle of Wight as "the white island" to people at work who asked about my holiday to try and get them to think I'd gone raving somewhere like Ibiza, and not somewhere that everyone goes on school trips or on family holidays in the 1950s.

I may now only holiday in places where they have good sub-titles. The English Riveria. Wordsworth country." [Jake]

[chat catz]

Sandy: My boss, Carol, said the other day, while discussing the subject of "Teachers Who Were Suckers", she said that she used to have one who you could ask a question, and he would go off and discuss that all lesson, then only realise at the end that he hadn't covered the subject he was supposed to. The term she used to describe this process of digression was "He would go off on a tandem". It wasn't even a slip of the tongue, because she said it again later! Off on a fucking tandem!
me: hahahaha. i'm going to do that now
Sandy: ok bye then. it's quite late to start a journey, but I can imagine you and the pot doing 100 miles a day on a racing 'dem
me: yeah. we'll ride up to edinburgh by wednesday. have a hot bath waiting
Sandy: I'll stretch it out a bit so it can fit two
me: thanks, a tandem bath
Sandy: but no "going off" in the tandem bath, that'd be rude. "bubbles at bathtime" by Ivor Windibotham
me: haha
Sandy: that was my schoolfriends favourite joke. I thought it was terribly contrived
me: there was a man in my gran's village called "ivor brain"
Sandy: excellent
me: so i've got a higher tolerance for "ivor" jokes than most
Sandy: his brother was called Ivno. Ivor is a great name. I think I should call my son Ivor
Sandy: Ivor Noble. it doesn't even sound like a name. It sounds like a nuclear disaster area
me: haha. like billie piper alpha
me: are you still getting married?
Sandy: yes, I'm sorry you aren't first on the list for invites. we only get one friend each and thom freeth got mine (best man)
me: ah. and when will it be?
Sandy: 24th september
me: oh that's quite soon. And where?
Sandy: in edinburgh, registrars office, then for lunch, then off for honey moon. I like rome. she likes cuba! we're debating.
me: i think you should go off on a tandem
Sandy: ha ha h aa a perhaps!



Rhodri: Will you buy my single if I buy your book?
me: yes. That sounds like a very good deal
Rhodri: You can buy it from me, cheaper.
me: i see. would you also like the shirt off my back
Rhodri: In the meantime, you can buy my song here
me: ok
Rhodri: And I will pre-order your book, now
Rhodri: have you seen which books are under the "also shopped for..." when you click on your book?
Rhodri: Emma Kennedy's book
me: yeah
Rhodri: George Melly's autobiog
Rhodri: oh
me: keep the george melly links open
Rhodri: what's that about
me: i want to mop up his bereft fans
Rhodri: I tell you, that Trilogy is one of the best autobiogs ever
I just finished re-reeading it. co-incidence
me: well, me and george have a lot in common
Rhodri: dead
Rhodri: gay
Rhodri: fat
Rhodri: the parallels are everywhere