OTW

NB I now NO LONGER HAVE ACCESS TO MY ORANGE EMAIL ACCOUNT. At least I'm not the only one having problems with my phone though. Gmail if you need me

Yor: Quotes

Me: What is it?
Tom: I thought you might be looking for the rest of your marrowfat peas.
Me: Ah.
Tom: You seemed to be looking around for something. But strangely enough you didn't think to look...in my mouth


Playing Mario on the Gameboy Advance SP

Tom: Life's so sweet when you've got the mushroom and the flower. I don't mean in Mario, I mean in life. That's how I feel at the moment, like Mario who's got the mushroom AND the flower.


Watching 'Four Weddings and a Funeral'

Sandy: Who does Andi McDowell look like?
Me: She looks like a plate that's swallowed a bird
Tom: Did we miss the fat gay's funeral?
Me: The fatty-gay?
Tom: Yes. They made a W.H. Auden.
Me: Stop all the ...cocks.
Tom: "Cut off the telephone/ Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone". In fact, I heard you can shut gays up by using a juicy bone.


Sandy and Tom are singing the melody to Britney's TOXIC in cat meows

Sandy: WE ARE Britney
Tom: What would Britney Spears be called if she was black?
Sandy: A nigger...
Me: You two should start a Britney cover band
Tom: Yes, blacked up. With big white circles around our mouths like Al Jolson
Me: Britney Nears
Tom: Shitney Spears


Sandy: Apparently 95% of electric toothbrushes are used for anal masturbation
Stephen: Where did you get that figure from?
Sandy: Pulled it out my ass.


Stephen: Put me in the paper. I just want to be famous. When will I be famous?
Sandy: I can't answer that
Me: I can't answer that

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Email

#1

Me: do you follow snooker? I might be interviewing ronnie o'sullivan soon

Dad: Not particularly - and yes, I know, you did just slip it into your earlier message. Did you like the pics of my rocket on the disks (it is a Blackcap motor launching the Seawolf missile)

Me: Yes, well done on your rocket motors. Very good.

#2

Martin: Now, don't get any ideas...

#3

Laura K: Yes. Let us/Let's. Paris ay? Marvellous. I went there once. To see Blur. I ate Mcdonalds for every single meal. Apart from when I ate crepes. That is true.

Weird question... What's Stefan's hotmail address? I think I've been sending e-mails to the wrong name all day (i forget if he has an underscore or a dot.. and i usually use his work address), either that or he hates me. Which is fairly unlikely.

#4

Tom Sharp: We have a letter here for you! Leila Johnston, Flock it says.

Me: blimey. Open it?

Tom Sharp: Ok. Will do so now...It’s from your grandpa...I haven’t read in case it has family secrets

Me: Haha! OK. I'll come and get it

Tom Sharp: He used a second class stamp which suggests to me that you’re not a favourite grandchild. Am I right?

Me: Yes. Apparently he doesn't even know my address.

Tom Sharp: You should have been cuter as a little girl

#5

Amanda: This is a belated happy birthday message, its not that I forgot but have been having trouble tracking you down!

I rang your house number, to be told you don’t live there any more, which thinking about it I knew, then tried your mobile to find it was out of action. So tried ringing your dad on the Sunday and he wasn’t in and mums phone had gone crazy and muddled all the numbers up and there were about 4 different numbers under your Dads name, tried them all, no answer from any of them! So I rang Alistair and he explained about your phone, and said he would text me your new house number, that was on the Monday I asked him again in Thursday and he sent it on Saturday, Meanwhile on Saturday I got hold of your dad, and he spent ages looking only to discover he didn’t have your number at home, and he gave me this email address. I tried calling last night and you had the cheek of it to be out!!

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Orwell or Swell -For the laziest/most meaningless use of the term "Orwellian" in the week's media

As "control", here's a really old one. It's NTK doing it the correct way.

Orwellian euphemisms
Orwellian shopping
"In the Orwellian atmosphere of the Tudor State"

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Msnz0rZ

Ben: i have starship troopers 2 to watch tonight
Maus: of course you do
Ben: fun is guaranteed
Maus: we have red dwarf season 5
Ben: ok
Ben: who wins out of us?
Ben: is it me?
Ben: i think it is

and

Ben: i put in a bid on ebay today for dracula 3000
Maus: is that a comic?
Ben: who's the winner out of us there?
Ben: you with your woody allen movies?
Ben: or me with my scifi vampire obsessions?
Ben: um
Ben: it's you
Ben: by far
Maus: we are one all
Maus: draw

and

Ben: i got chatted up by a marie claire journalist in tesco's last night
Ben: she was doing a piece about flirting in supermarkets
Ben: it was very odd
Ben: do you read that magazine?
Maus: occasionally
Maus: did she know who you were?
Ben: of course not
Maus: i hope you said "Ben Moor, you've probably heard of me"
Maus: when she asked your name
Ben: but she wanted to know about the tree climbing thing
Ben: i'd just been to the beeb to discuss it
Ben: and pudsey bear walked past me in the canteen
Ben: it was an evening of remarkable encounters
Ben: or at least noteworthy
Maus: was pudsey on his way to some honey
Maus: or some honeys. Have you started casting yet?
Ben: we are seeking "Charity" next week
Ben: ironicallly as that was what pudsey does

and

Ben: Did you read the Giant Robots script?
Maus: OK...just googled giant robots
Ben: haha
Ben: they are a much underused stage device
Ben: rarely found in the plays of david hare or david mamet
Maus: but sometimes in android ayckbourn.
Ben: Right, better shift
Maus: enjoy blakes 7 or whatever it is
Ben: starship troopers 2 hero of the federattion
Maus: that's what i said
Ben: right
Ben: bye!

Maus: i'm going down the bank now (they want it in cash)
Maus: but if i don't have it, i'll get a loan from the bank of Dad
Peter: he could just ask all those folk who fitted into a car at once for a pound each
Peter: pay your rent for a year
Maus: hahhahaha
Maus: did alistair tell you about that?
Peter: think so
Peter: or you did
Maus: dad's appearance on blue peter
Peter: one of you
Maus: well we do look quite similar
Maus: i'd forgotten all about that
Peter: i was telling some awful lies last night
Peter: telling everyone to come back to mine as i had a piano
Peter: not even girls i wanted to impress
Peter: everyone
Peter:
"come back to mine and play the piano"
Peter: dunno what i'd do if they came back
Peter: "ooh,it's been nicked"
Peter: damn
Maus: hahaha
Peter: now im going to have to keep up a charade of owning a piano
Peter: i am looking at towmmaus and glowing
Maus: so easily pleased
Peter: i know
Peter: give me a cake and im in heaven
Peter: a cake and an internet and a bottle of brandy
Peter: "Peter: or get tobey mguire to say 'i fucking sent texts to leila even after text -of-the-week had finished, me'"
Peter: i especially like the idea of tobey adding on 'me' at the end. in a north manchester accent


Ben: pub quiz was ok
Ben: we came 3rd
Maus: who was on the team, ben?
Ben: rich herring
Ben: me
Ben: and two smart ladies
tom: and you're the only man, ja?
Maus: richard herring is all man
tom: richard herring is fat
Maus: excavating rita
tom: christ on a bike
tom: this is like 'whose line is it anyway'
Maus: talking cock?
tom: haha
Ben: you just carry on guys
Maus: sorry ben

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