Skullcrusher Mountain by Jonathan Coulton

There's a lot that bothers me about this song, much as I enjoy it. The main thing is, "what kind of villain is he?" You'll see what I mean.

Welcome to my secret lair on Skullcrusher Mountain
I hope that you’ve enjoyed your stay so far
I see you’ve met my assistant Scarface
His appearance is quite disturbing
But I assure you he’s harmless enough
He’s a sweetheart, calls me master
And he has a way of finding pretty things and bringing them to me

OK, so far so good. Leaving aside the secret lair thing, which makes him sound a bit like a goblin, all the other signs point to an inept, Count Duckula style character - certainly a someone "Van" something. Or is he a mad scientist? Maybe a bit like that crazy guy in the really weird boyscouts sketch in Woody Allen's "Everything you always wanted to know about sex"

I’m so into you
But I’m way too smart for you
Even my henchmen think I’m crazy
I’m not surprised that you agree
If you could find some way to be
A little bit less afraid of me
You’d see the voices that control me from inside my head
Say I shouldn’t kill you yet

So he is a genius - maybe we were getting close with the mad scientist thing. But he hears voices! He's schizo like the Green Goblin in Spider-man 2! Who was also no stranger to the test tubes. And yet there's been no mention of science yet, we're getting ahead of ourselves.

I made this half-pony half-monkey monster to please you
But I get the feeling that you don’t like it
What’s with all the screaming?

Excellent lines, no doubt about that, but is this a work of genius? What he's done is made a monster, it's magical realism or mythology. But is it art? Mary Shelley and Kenneth Brannagh thought so.

You like monkeys, you like ponies
Maybe you don’t like monsters so much
Maybe I used too many monkeys
Isn’t it enough to know that I ruined a pony making a gift for you?

Ha, ha. But clever one-liners won't distract me from the ill-defined characterisation that fractures the very foundations of this song.

Picture the two of us alone inside my golden submarine
While up above the waves my domesday squad ignites the atmosphere

Woah there! Go back a minute. Did you say "golden submarine"? Can't see Count Duckula in one of them. Now you're a Bond Villain, aren't you? Domesday Squad? Where did this sudden malevolence against all mankind spring from? Are you now... Satan?

And all the fools who live their foolish lives may find it quite explosive

Good one.

But it won’t mean half as much to me if I don’t have you here

You know it isn’t easy living here on Skullcrusher Mountain
Maybe you could cut me just a little slack
Would it kill you to be civil?

A lot of people think the pony line is the best bit of this song. They're so wrong. The number 1 line in Skullcrusher Mountain is "Would it kill you to be civil?"

I’ve been patient, I’ve been gracious
And this mountain is covered with wolves

Oh wolves now, is it? So we're back in goth-land with Egor.

Hear them howling, my hungry children
Maybe you should stay and have another drink and think about me and you

Maybe.